Just One Look Forum Archives

I recently posted a letter on the forum in which I shared the fruits of the looking in my life. At the end of the letter I added, I wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. The replies that I got were very reassuring, explaining that waiting for the other shoe to drop had become a patterned response to positive events in my life and that I was clearly well on the path of recovery. I spent some time musing about it until recently when I spent a week and a half with mother. Although my relationship with her has entailed intense pain and turmoil for me, I have healed a great deal and have found ways to communicate and be with her that are aware and loving. Well, I was not ready for the level of rage I would feel while with her this time. I remember having heard once a definition of ego: speed. Without the defenses I had built so carefully over the years I could no longer contain my feelings as I had been able to previously. During some of the visit my limbs were shaking, and one day I even had heart palpitations for 6 hours.

I was horrified by the anger issuing forth from me that refused to be covered up or denied. The musing about whether the other shoe was going to drop turned into dismay over the fact that here was evidence that the other shoe is never very far away. But not for long. Because soon I realized that it was neither my fault nor hers that this was happening to me. A few days ago, after an imperfect, but authentic time together we parted tenderly and lovingly.

Perhaps this is what John means by no longer keeping life at arm's length. Life looks very different when the things that present themselves refuse to be swept under the rug. Sometimes I sure don't feel very elegant, but I am cognizant of a sense of trust that life is leading me exactly where I need to go. The visit has produced in me a sense of well-being, something I don't remember having experienced after being with my mother.

Nancy

Hi Nancy, and anyone else who reads this. I've been returning and returning to the Forum, half written postings in my mind, wrote one but don't remember where I parked it I have, though, been reading the Forum. When all else is no longer satisfying, and few things are these days that I've previously invested my energy in, I come back here. I read something in a posting the other day that blew on a light of understanding in my mind that was more than worth the price of admission (even though, bless John and Carla, that's free). That's why I keep coming back.

And then, reading what you had to say about the intense anger you felt when you were with your mother was an exceptional answer to a question i'd been harboring about where my great bombastic rage had arisen from in a challenging relationship. it was like a force unto itself. fortunately, it was expressed, through words, at a distance of 3000 miles, giving both parties the ability to absorb or deflate or deflect the energy without too much harm (one hopes). I hadn't thought about it in terms of 'not holding life at arm's length,' but this makes sense and also gives me a way to not 'blame' myself for these feelings (neither, of course, abdicating me from the responsibility to express them appropriately). it had come to me that all my life i tried to be an 'angel' and not be angry until i finally would explode (regularly, unfortunately, ask my ex and my kids). i guess i'm thinking of what i describe as my 'unraveling' process' includes a more mindful awareness of when these states are building up and learning how to communicate them more skillfully.

Thank you again, Nancy.

Warmly, Marlowe