Just One Look Forum Archives

Hi John

I'm kind of in a confused state right now. I've always been somewhat of a loner. I took refuge from the lack of company by reading avidly and finally by beginning to write poetry. I managed to convince myself that I actually enjoyed being a solitary person when all along there was a deep sense of unhappiness and discontent. I overrode this anxiety about being around people with alcohol which gradually grew into a fairly serious problem. Now I find several things have happened with the looking. One is that this angst and its attendant mechanisms are becoming more obvious, surfacing as it were which scares me sometimes considerably. Is this of any consequence?

I like solitude and the company of others in small doses although, and I hope I don't sound misanthropic here, there are some people I can't be around anymore especially drinkers and that entire scene and then this desire to head for the hills kicks in. Frankly, some of the crowd I was with now seem really nuts to me. Again I don't mean to sound superior or anything. I just can't relate to them and again seek my own company in which I can relax and be productive in writing. The interesting thing is I don't feel the need to run away from myself, to disguise what I am or feel and when I see other people I can be "out there" and make more conscious, saner decisions about who I want to spend time with. I think I may always enjoy solitude to some degree or other as long as it isn't a way of life but that's OK right now with me.

This is about as clear as I can put it right now. Hope it serves.

Again thank you John for sharing this amazing discovery,

Antony

At times the disquietude of solitude can seem to present a problem for me too Antony. What I am beginning to see is that solitude may not be solitude. This mind of mine can seems to be populated with people and problems even when there is no one around for miles. This whole idea of solitude is being rearranged by the looking at this that I know is me. The old certainties about others [out there] and the subjective me here are becoming more and more porous.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is just more space in which to be present and ok

Peace

John in Ark.

Thank you for the reply Johinar,

I know what you mean I have experienced moments where these seeming boundaries are indeed porous.

Everything leaks through as it were. What I feel now is that this porous versus non-porous doesn't really matter all that much.

This as do many other things just don't seem like that big a deal. I can deal with it.

Thanks,

Antony

I have been a loner for a lot of years now, having been born with an eccentric disposition. I used to go on very intense binge sessions before seeking company, then I totally wrecked any relationship with my paranoid and anger. I thought that the looking would make me want to be with others; but no I am even more of a loner now, except I am no longer anxious with peopleand I am very happy with the fact of my being a loner. I find that I am getting to the stage now where I fully accept myself. And don't spend every minute worrying about what others think of me.

…Peter