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Hi John,

You asked me to write you to follow up on our phone call a couple weeks ago. Thank you for the phone call, it was sort of a rock-bottom moment for me, and I really appreciate that.

I have some commentary and questions:

I've had up and down experiences with looking at myself. Sometimes when I just start to remember to look at myself and then I start to try to do it, I feel an upwelling of fear/paranoia of having an obsessive compulsive thought that would have a huge impact on my intimate relationship. Because I've made commitments to not having thoughts like that, and fear arises that they are hiding underneath somewhere sometimes.

Sometimes I just somehow accept what is here and allow and that seems to create a good ground for looking and seeing myself.

Sometimes I really try to feel my sense of self here, now and sometimes it stabilizes into this very strong unwavering presence and I feel much more like a an. Sometimes I still feel like a needy child who still has some fear, insecurity or attachment to the relaxation/sleepiness.

Sometimes I notice that my compulsiveness to consume, get, or know is really looking for what I am, and trying to be satisfied or get a temporary fix outside.

There is often a fear that something bad will happen if I look at myself. Like dangerous obsessive, energetically-damaging to my intimate relationship thoughts are feared to come up on certain occasions that I try to look at myself.

It feels as if there is a certain or special way to do it, and that if I don't do it right, something bad will happen, and I'll stay lost in my mind which is very compulsive and disconnected with reality and my true feelings.

Is it possible to have huge changes if one is very unwavering looking at themselves? Like if every second of the day is devoted to looking at oneself?

I.

I read this post and talked about it at the Worldwide Meeting on April 9, 2011.

You can listen to the entire recording in our podcast. Please let me know if more is needed.

In love,

John