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Hello dear John and Carla. First of all I want to apologize for my English, it is not particularly good, but I hope you will understand me. I am from Russia.

Actually I do not know what to ask and do not even know why I'm writing, but it seems to me necessary.

I'll start from the beginning.

I was always different from all the people around me. About 6-8 years, I visited some experience - I absorbed the feeling of "I". It was so soft, so gentle, so powerfully. And the only thing that was in my head, it's a recurring thought, "I-I-I-I '. I did not know it, I was a bit scary and I did not understand. Then it's all gone.

At school, I almost did not communicate with their peers. When all the boys were playing football and war games, I sat at home and read about ancient Greek and Egyptian gods, about space. In I always had the feeling that I'm not here just so that I something great and mighty. Around 14-16 years was a period of a "retreat." I watched a lot of Japanese anime with an incredibly dramatic scenes. I cried, suffered along with the characters, and now I realize that it brings me some pleasure. Then I have already learned something about the "secret societies" and, as they say, it started. I blew my mind. I read everything I could find, I was unstoppable. I met people who shared my interests, and together we discussed these things. This went on until I took LSD. Revelation explosion. I realized that I now need.

Then began a period that goes so far. I started with Buddhism, then were Krishnas, shamanism, Sufi practices. Practice, read tons of books, socializing with friends, it's all mixed with drugs such as LSD, Ayahuasca. Once I took a former 6x LSD, lay on the bed, turned on Mozart and closed my eyes.

I was obsessed with "enlightenment."

Now I'm 22, and I understand that "enlightenment" is the only thing I really need. For a long time I, like many others, wanted to go out into the woods or the mountains and stay there. I do not take drugs, and all that remains is the practice of of awareness, observing thoughts, and looking at yourself. I - that's all I see. This shapeless screen where everything happens.

I understand the words of Ramana Maharshi "who is the one who wants to enlightenment." It is not.

Dear John, dear Carla, I apologize to you and want to thank you for your presence, which helped me to write these words.

I'm not waiting for an answer, I do not expect anything from you.

Thank you. I love you

What do you mean with the word "enlightenment"?

Complete freedom from fear life.