Just One Look Forum Archives

G'day John, and Carla

I wrote to you before, but because I sent you a parcel too I sent the letter by post. I now know that I should have gone through the forum, so I am writing another letter. I think there might be something helpful in what I write for others, as the method I use now in the "looking" seems to suit me very well, and could prove of some use maybe to some one, somewhere

My story is a tale of fear, hatred, anger and cowardice; A sensitive soul born within a very rough town in London, called Peckham. I was a victim of much psychological bullying, and my life among human beings was ever a torment to me. But I loved the birds, the flowers, the blue skies, and all of nature which also gave a certain glee to my life; and of course there was always, awareness of my precious presence, that so often I could feel. I could always feel within me this gentle sprite, who I now know to be me, and this has always gave me a kind of love of life that few people understand, and forever because of this kind of different ness, I seemed to convey to the world, I felt alien to the human race, and so very, very unloved.

However, I grew up, met a lady from Australia {who is my precious wife, Vera} and emigrated across the seas to this beautiful land I am living in now, Western Australia. Then I joined the army, went to Vietnam, and forever after my personality seemed to change in so many ways, as well as my physical health, and this, mixed with all the shit from my childhood made me into a very unlikeable person to be with. I knew what I had become, and to be fair, I tried to change in every way. I Read every book on self help, took counselling, and got interested in what the mystics said, always reading, reading, reading, but unfortunately I seemed to be cursed to be like this for the rest of my life, as nothing really worked to rid me of this crap

Then I found you, John, just by chance, looking for spiritual stuff in the torrents. Straight away I heard you say, that in a nutshell I had always been awake. This seemed to touch something within me, although I could not understand it. When you told us about the "looking" I tried it and found that old familiar presence that had always felt, although I never knew it. So I tried looking whenever the thought came to me to do so. I discovered, though that I now tended to try too hard for something that had always came naturally to me before. So often I found that I could not seem to touch myself, although I could always touch me when I smoked Cannabis.

In the letter I wrote to you a few weeks ago {which Carla kindly acknowledged, thank you Carla] I stated that I had a cannabis addiction problem, because I had been smoking the stuff for forty years. And could not seem to give it up, Well John the day after I wrote the letter [or week, I don't know] I heard a pod cast where you spoke about you packing up the nicotine habit and since then I haven't had a smoke. But the thing is that it was such an easy thing to do. so I should say that the looking is helping me more than I ever thought was possible; life has become sweeter. My resentments are fading, and my anger very rarely passes the irritation level, these days. I am not so afraid of dying now as I was [although I don't fancy going quite just yet] and anxiety and stress do not show their face a fraction as much as they used to. The alcohol habit also has dropped away, and I no longer need this to make me feel good, And all because of your wonderful looking.

When I got my TPI pension from repat the doctor told me that the kind of PTSD that I was suffering from, was incurable, So I am very pleased that this healing seems to be taking place. All in all my life has become more wonderful than I could ever before have thought was possible. Indeed this world is a very beautiful place to be in.

For this I thank you and Carla with all my heart, I now find that folk who used to dislike, and avoid me are starting to reach out to me, though I guess I will forever be the loner [who really knows, though?} I can only see my life getting better and better from now on, and I have this feeling within me that whatever comes I will handle it, as I always have. But now I will do so easily.

As my practice has become more established I have found that this for me is the best method of looking that I have come across; The words me, being, and here always seem to touch the, me, and so have the desired effect for some reason. First I ask "Am I here?"; then ponder on this for a second or two; Then I ask "What is this certainty of me being here?"; then ponder on this for the same, then finally I ask "What is it like, me being here?"; then I see what other questions or insights come up, though trying to have no expectations in my mind. I find that by using the words, Me, Being and Here, I seem to mostly get little hits of me most of the time. And in those three questions I get a total of seven potential hits {be they ever so brief] I have tried many other methods but have never achieved so many hits, and have not always known whether I have touched me or not, but having settled into this method I am now on, I find the results most satisfying.

Once again I say thank you to yourself and Carla, and hope with all my heart that your looking catches hold of everyone in this world with the capacity to hear it.

All the best for now,

Peter from Perth.

Pietro, thank you for your inspiring post. As fellow PTSD'er I am quite curious as to how long you have been practicing "looking"?

I actually discovered this originally through Nisargadatta's "I Am That" but John's presentation is ever so much more accessible I think and very encouraging and validating. Thank you John! I have been "looking" for probably 5 years (?) maybe a couple more (not sure when I started, book recommended to me by my therapist at the time). I have definitely felt improvements, but not until seeming to go down hill to near non-functionability for quite some time. It seems in retrospect that "looking" gradually undid all my compensations and avoidances and just left me stripped to my bare neuroses and fears/terrors. Now, after this passage, I seem to be gradually coming out of it and fear is diminishing.

Thanks for your comment Geoffrey, I have been doing the looking since September 2009, but I have felt this presence of me for quite some time, though unknowingly through various ways. I have been trying for this cure now through different teachings for close on forty years, with no real good results. This conscious looking through John seems to be doing the trick, though i have a long ways to go....Peter