Just One Look Forum Archives

I am just writing to get some insight from you guys about the period of rehabilitation after the looking begins.

I've been doing the looking for about 5 months, and recently, due to the clarity and insight I was feeling, I expressed some of my feelings in an email and received back what would have once been a crippling response.

On receipt of the response (my expression was misunderstood, and probably misdirected in the first place) – I felt a deep depression and catatonia overwhelm me, quickly followed by the desire to eat something "bad" to hurt myself. That caused me to realize how much self-hatred I felt, then a depression overcame me, a sadness that was totally dark and hopeless, that caused me to realize it was anger stuffed down, and then I Looked at myself. And in that brief mini-second I saw I was really OK, and that all of this was transversing the experience I call my life. This all happened in about 5 minutes, a period that in the past would have taken maybe years.

And while this was good news – this sadness has continued to visit me a lot lately, arising from my childhood and an overwhelming sense of not being OK, not being good enough, of not feeling loved ... all of the stuff I've struggled to learn over the years about my childhood, things like it's all a story, it's all a lie, etc. All the psychological tools: tell yourself a better story, love yourself, manifest a better life, the other doesn't exist, it's all you, etc. – these just don't help me when I fall so deep into this black hole of hopelessness. It might be the fear of life at its root, the fear that life will kill me.

I've heard from my sisters that as a child for some reason I was willing to take the brunt of the abuse of my mother, and I know I did that b/c I believed that somehow I was strong enough to learn how to defuse it, how to allow it to come into me and move out of me as energy without it hurting me. But that's not true. It does hurt. It hurts me all the time, and I can see how it has injured my expression of life, how it has colored and tainted my whole life, everything I've ever tried to be.

And I can also sometimes see how the only thing that makes that "bad," is my resistance to what is. My calling the way I react to my life "not good enough" or "bad" in comparison to someone else's experience. And now, thanks to the Looking, I don't have to deny what I really feel, that I do feel the hurt, and that it rises and falls, comes and goes, and it is not who I am. And when I realize this, when I am not immersed in self-pity, I feel OK, even good. But then self-pity still arises … it's not gone.

Sometimes, with my family, I feel very out of touch, as if I want to be closer by sharing my sadness, the hurt that I still feel so cornered and cloistered by, but that's not a cure. And sometimes it feels like the only thing that I was happy doing or any good at--rearing a child--is over (she's 30) and I might as well die because there's nothing really left to live for. I know how overly dramatic that sounds, but it's the truth. That's the way I feel a lot.

Yes, I know--keep looking. But this sadness feels so endless, like I am wading through something so frighteningly deep, so unknown, so heartbreaking--and even though it's drowning me I have to keep trudging on--why? Why? If there's nothing to live for?

So maybe I buried the lead. But there you go.

I see the hills and valleys in what I've written here, and they seem to mirror the contents of my life right now. Sometimes I can see that this is all of the old conditioning arising before me, hopefully in a new and different way than it has arisen before. And maybe now, I hope, it is arising to be released.

I've done so many things to try and release this pain and suffering over the years, I can only hope and pray that somehow this Looking will do the trick--that I will do it, or that it will do me, in the "right" way to release me from this eons-old depression, anger, fear, and suffering. And yet I know John says that we don't do the Looking to achieve a result. Just look.

I'm doing my best.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. And thank you for being here. I needed this.

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

You express your feelings so clearly. I really appreciate that since I used to suppress my feelings so deeply I was unaware of them.

In my recovery, I have found the good, the bad and the ugly all arise until they don't. I am not in control of any of it. And I don't have to take the credit or blame for any of it either. The only thing I seem to have some volition about is when and where I turn my attention. What a gift to have heard of this simple act. Lera Jane

Dawn,

I can truly relate to everything you say. I have experienced such similar waves of emotion as you. Last year, I went through this overwhelming sense of being completely broken and flawed. I came to the conclusion then that all I wanted was to be validated and loved for myself as I am. A few months later (in August last year), I stumbled upon John on youtube. I knew then that I would validate myself - it would all come from me. I saw that no one or no thing could "save" me. The love, the healing, the validation - it would come from me, for me. And I'm convinced that all the terrible hopes and fears I have experienced in this life are due to the fear of life - the fear of feeling at stake here. How incongruous it is - for me to be so afraid of "life" that I will die at the hands of life. Life and death, the seeming opposites - or is it life that encompasses birth and death? I find no rhyme or reason in life - the why's have no answer. Nevertheless, I, too, hope that the looking will do its work once and for all, and I will be left in peace to enjoy the rest of my life experience. I hope that the worst of the terror of life is forever released. I still encounter feeling at stake on an almost daily basis, but I have noticed that it has eased - the fear is less intense, the reactions to the fear less intense, the desire to get away from it all less intense. I can tell that the looking has done something, and it feels like it's been for the better. Every time I see that I exist as me, that I exist fully right now, and that the unpleasantness does not change my existence right now, I feel I am one step closer to freedom from the fear of life.

Thanks so much for sharing, Dawn - you are not alone in any of this!

Jenny

Hi Dawn

thank you for being willing to share such personal information. I think we can all relate to what you are saying. I know that someone can say something to me at work and, voila, I am feeling 13 again and in those moments, looking or not, it feels very real and believable. I do find that these dips don't seem to last as long ( since I have been doing the looking)But the fall feels just as deep.

I do wish you well Dawn.

Paul

Thank you Lera Jane, Jenny and Paul for your responses...

"In my recovery, I have found the good, the bad and the ugly all arise until they don't. I am not in control of any of it. And I don't have to take the credit or blame for any of it either." ~ Lera Jane

Thank you dear Lera Jane, this helps me so much to hear this. Just reading your words is a balm. Thank you for sharing this -- and I love what you said about the "credit or the blame" -- this rings so clear. I hear you!

"...I knew then that I would validate myself - it would all come from me. I saw that no one or no thing could "save" me. The love, the healing, the validation - it would come from me, for me. And I'm convinced that all the terrible hopes and fears I have experienced in this life are due to the fear of life - the fear of feeling at stake here. ~ Jenny

Yes, Jenny, this is so true...no matter what happened in the past or is happening now--if I just keep looking, it will all take care of itself. And I can see and feel the pervasiveness of this fear of life ... and even when I feel there is no where to turn for comfort, I will just keep looking.

"I do find that these dips don't seem to last as long (since I have been doing the looking) But the fall feels just as deep." ~ Paul

Thank you Paul, this is true for me as well...and it is so good to have you confirm this.

I'm so glad that we have this Forum--where we can connect and gather with each other, and feel the comfort of each other's experience.

With love,

Dawn

Hi, Dawn.

Your post is mainly about your suffering and your opinion about yourself which is based on that suffering. Consider this: the black hole of despair may never go away. It is not in your power to do something about it therefore any resistance to it is a waste of energy. What you in fact CAN do is to try to accomplish the act of looking at yourself. It will do something to you... Something invisible, subtle and suprising. It won't change your state in any visible way. You will simply lose interest in all kinds of black holes of depression, anxiety etc... With them or without them you will be ultimately ok.

Only you can save yourself from misery. Whatever this act is try to do it until you are completely sure you've got it.

It is not far, Dawn. You are close. Everybody are close. It is not hard. It's like cleening your teeth only simpler.

Just do it.

Cheers,

Nick.

Dear Nick,

Yes, this is it. This is exactly what I needed to hear... just do it. Thank you very much.

At first, when I started the looking, I tried to get a sense of it by looking as if my hair was on fire. Once I got a sense of "me" it felt familiar, and I noticed it from time to time--and I dropped away from trying so hard--I stopped focusing the beam of my attention on "me" with so much ferocity. I had the idea that the looking would just "do" the job... and that I would not have to focus my attention on it so hard. This was not the Olympics of Looking... but ever since I read what you wrote, I've begun using my awareness to focus my attention on "me" again. It feels like a physical effort--like putting my hands up on either side of my head and pointing my face to look at something. It feels like a conscious effort.

I'd like to hear from you about your recovery--did it take more of a conscious effort like this? You say like brushing your teeth--and this is something I do b/c I want to--need to--take care of myself. But this kind of consciousness to the task may be what I need to do... not relax so much thinking that the looking is doing the work behind the scenes like a medicine like our coach John says, but that I have to remember to take it...

And maybe it is working all the time behind the scene -- and that I still must focus my attention on the looking.

Since last night tho', I have been focusing more, "looking" more, and feeling better.

With grateful thanks,

Dawn

Hi again, Dawn.

I gave some more thought to your question. A not so obvious answer came after a while. Here is what I think. Do it any way you like. If you want so badly to save yourself from torment and hell then do it in a ferocious way. If you believe you should practise the looking in a more calm manner - go for it. The most important thing here is to look in the right direction. If you look at yourself - you will be fine no matter how you do it. If you look somewhere else - you will be dissappointed no matter how you tried.

When I've told you about the brushing of teeth I meant only the simplicity of the act. You are simple. Always. Look at that.

I hope this is helpful. I want you to succeed in this. You will.

Take care,

Nick

Thank you Dawn for sharing where you're at. I've been in this for about 4 years and the only thing I can say for sure is that I could have never predicted the outcome that is starting to prevail in my life experience. I remember seeing a homeless person passed out on the side of the road early on and being overwhelmed with a kind of grief I'd never allowed myself to feel before. My defenses were down, and I found I couldn't even go to the normal twelve-step groups that I used to frequent in order to manage symptoms. In fact, the misery and the realization of the futility of the constant vigilance required to manage it, actually drove me to start drinking beer again after 18 years of sobriety. Having been involved with recovery and therapy for a long time lent to feelings of guilt and shame for having not gotten it right. "I fucked up again." Over time I've slowly come to notice that all those ideas or ideologies aren't necessary, but knowing this three or four years ago would not have made much of a difference. Now I'm starting to see that it is indeed helpful to share and vent on occasion, but it is coming from a completely opposite perspective in that it is just what I do, as opposed to what I absolutely have to do or I'm gonna die!

Thanks for your honesty and the opportunity to connect.

Much Love

Mike

Dear Nick,

As soon as I read your note, I began to practice (with a lot of gratitude, your words are so clear) in the way you pointed -- "in the right direction."

I wanted to wait and see what happened as I continued to practice -- for me, that meant using my attention, focusing my attention, and moving it away from whatever I am thinking that causes me suffering, to look at "me." I thought I was doing that already, but maybe I wasn't really.

I realized that for me, it's like the difference between an automatic transmission and a stick shift. I was using the automatic -- which meant I just let it happen as it would -- and now I'm using the stick -- which it means that I am using my attention to point to "me." And, when I do the looking that way, it's as if I see my choices on a spinning wheel, like the Wheel of Fortune, and when it stops on one that causes me to suffer, I notice the suffering, and use my attention to move it to "me" -- where there is just presence.

I have so much faith in your words " .... You will. [succeed in this] ..." and another reason I wanted to wait to write again, is b/c I wanted to wait and see what was happening -- to be sure I wasn't just looking at an idea of me, rather than really looking at me. I don't have a good handle on that yet (of course!) -- but I just wanted to let you know that your words were very clear and helped me make a much needed course direction. It's as if I'm taking more responsibility in a way, but it's an easy change, when I use my awareness to feel, and my attention to shift to "me."

I am hanging in, I am looking ... thank you so much Nick and all you dear friends for being here.

with love and gratitude,

Dawn

Dear Mike,

This is so helpful, thank you my friend. As you point out, once I use my attention to focus again -- to re-focus when I notice I am suffering -- and choose to look at me, I begin to become aware that all the rest is just what is -- and it is OK. The judgment I was feeling seems to be falling away a bit.

All the best to you, and thank you so much for sharing. I feel held in the web of our words, words so full of loving attention.

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Something John said in a talk recently about the sweetness of understanding - after the fact--inspired me to start paying attention to this forum again. The fruits that stem from this simple act are glorious beyond my comprehension, and are starting to seep, ever so slowly, into my life experience. The rehabilitation happens on its own, but we get to dance with it along the way... The looking, in my experience, really does do all the work.

Thanks again for your openness and willingness!

In love with the dance...;)

Mike

Dear Dawn,

That's exactly how it is coming out for me - I'm experiencing times when all the rest is seen to be just what it is, nothing more, nothing less - and it's OK that what is, just is - and here I am, the me-ness of me, always me, never changing. Every time I turn my attention to me, I know I am me, and nothing has happened to the me-ness of me. What I feel like always is - I just am. The looking gave me the recognition of myself, once and forever.

Jenny

Dear Mike,

Yes, this is my experience as well. It really is a wonder, isn't it?

Falling in love with the dance,

Jenny

Wow, Dawn,

I'm so touched and sympathetic about what you have written here in your original post.

I really relate strongly to what you and others have said.

@Nick (AKA El Duderino, lol) - Although your advice makes sense, you still didn't share with us any background on why it is that you give this advice (as Dawn asked you to). The reason I ask is because I want to know whether you can confirm the efficacy of this work in your life, or whether you are just reiterating what you've heard John say.

@Mike - It's always been really cool to hear you speak here and in the online recordings and see what you have to say about your own life. I am very much encouraged by people like you & Jenny's & LeraJane's description of how things have transpired in your life since The Looking.

I wish I could offer more help from my own experience, but although I feel that I have done what is needed, I'm not at a point where I can corroborate much. I can say that I have inexplicably become more susceptible to life, as Mike mentions, and that having no line of defense anymore has made the beautiful even brighter and the darkness even scarier. My whole mechanism does seem to have verifiably gone insane as a result of this Looking, just as John describes.

Good luck.

Gerrit

Hi, gerrit.

Indeed I can confirm the effifacy of this work in my life. In fact I wrote a report some time ago where I've described my own experience with the looking. Turns out that the biggest help for me in this work was my total dissappointment in it. Only when I lost all faith and hope in this practice I somehow understood in what direction I had to look. It may not be a universal rule but still I think that it is this intensity of my strife with the looking that helped me to get over all "obstacles" and finally see for myself what it all is about. Therefore I advice trying it.

Hi friends,

I've the tendency to take for the hills so for me this forum is a practice in engagement, nothing can harm me or hurt me ..right!

I too am very touched by all the sharing, really 'sane" it is a wonder to be a human being ,no longer thinking of myself as an illusion or a story or that I don't exist.

I've kind of stopped using the word suffering too, as it always implied for me somehing I needed to put an end to before I could really be free..I see still this tendency to present my life always in a positive manner as if I'm always happy., free of 'negative emotions and heaven forbid I should give into my food addictions,, etc. etc.'....that's why your sharing Dawn is refreshing in it's honesty..we needn't fear these revelations.

I try to see whatever is happening as "passing phenomenom", I've judged so harshly in myself this 'victim' position where I can be plunged into the deepest self-pity and depression. i have worked on it on all the ways I know how ..all these boxes of personality...finish with this one ..oh now you're close to totally disidentification..ah there it is again!

I've simply come to see in any situation that triggers these responses in my life there are so many factors at play and usually with people I'm close to ..we are all in some way reacting from the fear of life,angry explosions, rude remarks, no-win situations,.then everyone pulls back into themselves .,closing down.,or then intense feelings of bliss, oneness, so many sensations, sometimes I analyze them, dissect them,laugh, cry, the whole gamut ..all good

feeling of me I see more and more after four years as just a fact, can't be any other way really, so eventually i just let common sense take over , I am the white paper (this worked for me), now some of those 'teachings' too make sense to me , "don't fight with life", "life is indifferent to your comings and goings"."you are what you have always been seeking".just seen now from the perspective of 'me' there is no judgement or pressure to make things different.

and so often too as Ramana said "you just laugh",

Love you all, fellow 'me's',

Maureen

still now the looking does take effort but definitely my confidence in the 'outcome' is stronger

I think my experience is similar to this plus I feel embarrased that I can't even focus on my breath or tongue for more than two seconds. The childhood thing doesn't work for me because I keep tuning into a 'personality' or 'quality' like there's peaceful me, there's sad me, and so on, so that I think well that cant be the 'me' everyone is talking about. (the one that feels and reacts to life).

Sometimes I wonder if (John has mentioned a few times), if I'm just trying to 'slay' everything that could work as it's a threat to the way things are and to the fear staying the; captain of the ship.

hmmmmmm.

Gail

Gail,

Yes, I really relate to what you write here. I also struggle to keep my attention focused on anything for more than a moment, although I'm slowly growing more accepting of that-- the thing that resonates most with me here is that when I look back into my childhood, I also have a hard time getting a sense of a "me" that's the same as I am now. It seems that my memories are tinged by the emotional state of that moment too much. The fear of life has always been very strong with me so perhaps my fear kept me focused on external realities to a larger degree?

Regardless, I'm writing here because for the past few days (ever since I listened to one of John's recent podcasts... from 2/22-- I think?), I've been trying a new approach with the looking. In that podcast, he has a conversation with someone where he uses the metaphor of trying to look at the sky and having a difficult time distinguishing between what is the sky and what are the oak trees that also protrude up into the sky. I've let my feelings of frustration and anxiety that I'm not seeing ME (that I might be getting caught into sensation or emotion) overwhelm and perhaps cloud the looking, and my approach for right now (which is at least much less frustrating if nothing else) is just to look at what it feels like to be me and not try to actively distinguish between what is ME and what are external sensations or emotions. I'm just LOOKING, noticing what it feels like to be here, and not trying to really finely distinguish between that and everything else that goes along with that.

That might be the completely wrong approach (and if so, I'd welcome any thoughts from anyone about that), but it is alleviating a lot of anxiety for me and seems to be allowing me to look more often and in a way that's a little more relaxed.

Hope that the "me too" is at least comforting, Gail-- thanks for being here.

Ansley

Dear Dude,

I actually read your post in "Direct Question" with great interest when you posted it, and I think I've managed to see all your posts, so it's funny that I wouldn't have remembered that it was you...especially with such a great user name.

Upon re-reading my question to you, I realized it could come across as a bit sassy, which is not at all my attitude in asking it. Instead, I am just trying to sift through what is reasoning versus what is experience.

I know what you mean about getting over the obstacles, and I am very happy that your own life has reaped from veritable fruits from this Looking.

Be well, Dude.

@Ansley - Sounds like you're totally on the money.

Dear Ansley and GailH,

I had the same concerns that you have about whether I was looking at the right me. Over the years I have collected some hints from the podcasts that were very helpful. The key is not to be concerned with results, with whether you see or find anything. The fear of life has so entrained us to look outward that any inward turning of attention is a step in the right direction. Just the conscious effort is beneficial. Some helpful hints were: Look without alighting. and It's the looking JUST BEFORE the seeing.

Concerning using memories: I found it helpful to remember simple incidences in my life that had very little emotional attachment. For instance in one memory, I am standing alone in a large, remote field at midday. There is utter silence, no sound of civilization, no insects, no wind. I also recall myself as a child setting up a playhouse alone. In some quiet moments, perhaps before or after sleep, try to recall a simple, emotionfree memory and notice that sense of Here you had then which is the same as Here now.

Other reassurances that helped me: You can't do it wrong. And be patience with yourself. Lera Jane

LeraJane,

Your replies are always so calming and helpful. Thanks so much for being here-- I'm always excited when I see that you have posted a response to anyone about anything!

I so appreciate your reassurance-- seems like I just have to "keep on keepin' on" with the looking. It feels natural to do so at this point.

Thanks again,

Ansley

Thank You

You are very welcome, Ansley. I am happy you found my posting helpful. As John says, We are all in this together. Lera Jane

Hi Nick,

Thank you for your response to Gerrit and for your words about losing all faith and hope in the practice before you understood what direction you had to look. I could tell from your earlier post that you have "seen" what you needed to see. But I am where you used to be, close to losing all faith and hope, and I'm still doing looking, but I don't have much faith in it. I know I haven't hit "that vein" of truth. I've lost faith in a lot of other practices, and maybe I'll have to completely lose faith in this too, before I can see what direction I need to look.

This might be one of the lowest parts of my life, physically and emotionally, but on the other hand, it's also one of the smoothest. I am living the two opposites at the same time. I feel desperately awful and yet pretty OK at the same time. Feeling good in spite of what is appearing to the contrary has happened to me before--it seems to be the way I handle stressful events. Because whenever I read on these forums that someone is seeing through the eyes of "me" – I can tell once again that I am not doing it right. Yes, I know, just keep looking. And I am trying, but I am not seeing in the way I feel others describe, that isn't present in me.

OK, that's it for now. I'm sorry to come down on the side of hopelessness again. But there you are. Trying to pretend it isn't there and choke it into silence isn't helping either. Just glad this forum is here, and that we are all together. Thank you all for being here, and especially for sharing your wisdom.

Dawn

@ Ansley:

… he has a conversation with someone where he uses the metaphor of trying to look at the sky and having a difficult time distinguishing between what is the sky and what are the oak trees that also protrude up into the sky. I've let my feelings of frustration and anxiety that I'm not seeing ME (that I might be getting caught into sensation or emotion) overwhelm and perhaps cloud the looking, and my approach for right now (which is at least much less frustrating if nothing else) is just to look at what it feels like to be me and not try to actively distinguish between what is ME and what are external sensations or emotions.

Dear Ansley,

Thanks so much for your generous thoughts on the looking, and especially the one of looking through the trees at the sky. Thank you. I will use this too. It is good to know we are here together.

@Lera Jane: Some helpful hints were: Look without alighting. and It's the looking JUST BEFORE the seeing.

Concerning using memories: I found it helpful to remember simple incidences in my life that had very little emotional attachment. For instance in one memory, I am standing alone in a large, remote field at midday. There is utter silence, no sound of civilization, no insects, no wind. I also recall myself as a child setting up a playhouse alone. In some quiet moments, perhaps before or after sleep, try to recall a simple, emotionfree memory and notice that sense of Here you had then which is the same as Here now.

Other reassurances that helped me: You can't do it wrong. And be patience with yourself.

Dear Lera Jane,

These are all so helpful. I know that I feel so lost in this act of looking, and I'm trying my best to be patient and kind with myself. When I read your image of you in the field, it was as if I was holding my breath and was absolutely still there with you.

Thank you for all your sharings. They are helping me and, I know, many others too.

With love,

Dawn

Thanks Lerajane!

Thank you Ansley as well, for the 'me too'!

Rehabilitating Seeing

Dear All,

I just want to write a quick note to thank you all so very much for hanging in there with me through this particular part of my rehabilitation/recovery -- yesterday this particular veil lifted and for the first as I was driving yesterday and listening to the podcasts of reports from others about their experiences in looking -- this fog lifted -- and for the first time, I "looked" in a clear and different way.

As I was driving, I was able for the first time to look without it being a "mental" process -- this is with so many thanks to Lerajane and many others who have continued to share with us how they experience the looking.

It really helped me, you guys, to be able to just share plainly about my experience without having to hide it, or act like it wasn't there, etc.

I can choose now, with a little more clarity, in the midst of whatever I'm experiencing, to just look in this way that I now can grok.

With love,

Dawn

Rehabilitating Hurt

Like learning to ride a bicycle, once you've got it, you never forget it. (That sound you hear is me cheering.)

I also add the familiar reminder that recovery will continue to happen in whatever way it does; but however that it, it doesn't MEAN anything. Lera Jane

Dear Lera Jane,

For the past few days, I've felt as if we are sitting in the sun together at your kitchen table having a watered down cup of coffee (SCD style!) ... and just talking.

When I heard your idea of holding out my arms and trying to look at them with my peripheral vision and letting everything else go out of focus too, including my body -- this kick-started something, and I was looking -- experiencing life through million-year-old eyes.

Thank you too for your reminder...that whatever occurs in this recovery process is just the case...it doesn't "mean" anything. That feels very properly "unfocused" too!

Thank you so much for everything!

Love,

Dawn