Just One Look Forum Archives

I did something today that an old reactive program or D-TEC didn't like. D-TEC is an acronym I just made up because Dysfunctional Thought/Emotion Complex (originating from the fear of life) was too long. D-TEC fits because its major purpose is to detect and keep me away from the perceived land mines of life.

What I did today was risky because it involved being my spontaneous self. I put my hand up to speak at the Open House for the first time and didn't plan what I was going to say. Soon after, I heard the D-TEC say, You shouldn't have, and felt that familiar sinking feeling of, You didn't do that well.

As soon as I fully noticed the sinking feeling, another idea/image arose. In it, I am locked in a cell with a bossy, crazy D-TEC who is pacing and ranting at me. I look at it and I think: Why would I ever believe this insanity in preference to my life-inspired self. It doesn't want me to be my quirky, expressive self. This D-TEC wants me to be like everyone else, which translates to, Hide, be invisible and you will be safe. It was then that I did another risky thing: I unlocked the door and walked out.

Lera Jane

Thank you Lera Jane! There's so much truth in your words, and I feel a very similar "judge" in me. When I read this I had my first good belly laugh of the day -- "I unlocked the door and walked out!" Hurray!

I am seeing these old programs as well rising up before me. And where I used to judge them and try to change myself ... now I just see them arising there -- almost as if a row of children were walking by...and as I see their faces, smell the air about them, hear their voices, feel the breeze of their passing, I experience them as OK just as they are. There are a lot of these old programs... but right now, for me, they are just there. And they are OK. No need to fix or change anything.

Thank you for sharing this.

With love,

Dawn

Hi Lera Jane,

That's SO awesome. What a great image and CONGRATULATIONS on walking out of the (metaphorical) room.

It's so funny that you should write this because I did the exact same thing yesterday. I raised my hand and then went back and forth about a million times about just dis-connecting from the call so John wouldn't "call on me." My heart was pounding and I was so nervous about speaking, mostly because like you, I hadn't really planned how I was going to ask my question. I hung up feeling like, OK, maybe I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked to be, but really... who cares? No one could have been more inarticulate than I was when I spoke one of the days on the online retreat and that didn't kill me so...

I think it's wonderful to be trying things that make our normally control-oriented selves (I LOVE the acronym of the D-TEC) freak out.

Bravo to you. The idea of D-TEC really underscores that there is just a mechanical part of personality that is going to take some time to wind down and that is super-helpful. As always, thank you.

--Ansley

I love that image of a row of children walking by. There is so much kindness in seeing them that way. When I have an emotional reaction to them, however, it is a little different for me, like I have more of an attachment to them, like they are more believable or real. That's when I seem to need to discriminate between myself and the D-TEC and remind myself that a feeling does not define me anymore than a thought does. Lera

Thanks Ansley,

I welcome reactions like I had as a way of becoming conscious of these critters. When I notice them and don't believe them they seem to lose power. Lera Jane