Just One Look Forum Archives

I've been "taking the medicine" for over 4 years and I love how indications of recovery show up on their own. First, it is clear to me that I am not in control of any of this. I'm merely a grateful spectator. It started this way:

I was sent an e-mail invitation to a special sub-committee of an organization I belong to. I was curious, so I showed up to see if it was for me. They were very kind, thanking me for my interest, and saying the invitation had been sent in error. I was not surprised. I understood and I left. Later in the day, I noticed an old thought pattern trying to gain traction: "What must they have thought about you?" I caught it mentally and said, calmly and firmly, "No." The pattern tried again from another angle and, like fencing, I parried, "No." and the thought form retreated, perhaps to try again another day. My confidence reminded me of a recent dream. In it, my dream personality is keeping a lioness as a house pet. One day, the lioness starts trying to get out of the house. When challenged, the lioness has a firm, determined look that says, "I will be free."

This is not "will power" or determination in the usual sense. It is nothing my personality could successfully employ as a strategy. I know because I watched my thoughts and changed them for years. It calmed my overt anxiety but did nothing for the underlying angst of life. This comes from a deeper place, as evidenced in my dream. I am offering this as encouragement: the looking does the work. Lera

Thanks for your post Lera--- I feel I can relate as I had a somewhat similar experience the other day. I was going for a walk in my favorite park the other day and was spinning in one of my usual loops. As soon as I realized what i was doing i said 'no'... in that instant my vision went from a narrow pinpoint to something that encompassed the entire park. I could see the trees and flowers, hear the birds, smell the dirt with a vividness that hadn't existed when I was caught up in the loop. I feel that I'm able to catch on more quickly and tell myself 'no' more often and I can feel the freedom in that.

I am also feeling more and more like a grateful spectator....It definitely has not always been this way (sometimes it's been kicking and screaming spectator or completely apathetic spectator). Coming to terms with the fact that I'm not in control has been an extremely painful process. I've had some pretty amazing what I like to call 'existential temper tantrums' over the past few years but I'm happy to report that life is a bit more graceful these days. I still have my moments but the energy and drama behind them are diminishing until one day they may be gone. Who knows?

Natalie

Hi Natalie,

I am in-between. While I know I am not in control (because the evidence is abundant,) I still have a way to go in surrendering control at the heart and gut level. It is an on and off kind of thing. And sometimes the big changes are surrendered easily and the little, seemingly unimportant, happenings are not. There is nothing to do about any of it. I'm just noticing. Lera

Hello Lera,

You do see that the surrendering has no more to do with you than the resistance, right? The resistance is not a failure to surrender on your part.

Resistance, surrender, acceptance, denial, these are psychologically powerful words, implying profound, consciously motivated action on the part of the person, and would be best saved for the rare occasions where they actually apply. All this confusion and discomfort during recovery from the actual problem is merely the manner in which these readjustments are occurring, driven by nothing but the blind force of cause and effect acting within the psychology.

You are doing good work here Lera, your contributions here are always useful and should be helpful to anyone who reads them.

love,

John

Thank you, John, for your clarification. It is much appreciated. I do know that resistance of any kind is not a failure on my part and I know what you mean by using words like surrender. Just more confusion. What I was trying to convey is that there are times when major changes are occurring and my mind is clear and untroubled but I notice slight reactions in my physiology that lets me know I am not totally on board with it. I am assuming there will be more congruence with more recovery. Lera

Thank you John-- I needed to hear that as well. I still get spun in all the psychological jargon...that somehow i'm doing something wrong because i'm resisting, in denial, or not being as accepting as i think i should be. Lately i've been experiencing this overwhelming feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with just being 'me'. It always has been there but feels more pronounced these days. I guess this is the feeling of wrongness you talk about that is brought on by the fear of life. I see myself still trying psychologize and analyze myself so i can root out this wrongness and fix it and i understand this need to do so is just another side effect, maybe in time it will leave, I'm hopeful, but not convinced and that's ok. I'll just keep doing the looking because it really all there is to do.

Being new to these forums I feel very grateful to a part of this community. The honesty, vulnerability, and straight up pragmatic advice shared by everyone has impacted me deeply and knowing i'm not alone in this has taken some of the edge off during this recovery process.

Natalie